You ultimately become what you habitually do. If your daily habits aren’t moving you forward, they’re holding you back. Here are four prevalent examples of the latter that often drain the best of us of our true potential, and some strategies for turning things around if you’re currently stuck in that cycle…
1. We hold on too tight.
Twenty years ago, when Angel and I were just undergrads in college, our psychology professor taught us a lesson we’ve never forgotten. On the last day of class before graduation, she walked up on stage to teach one final lesson, which she called “a vital lesson on the power of perspective and mindset.” As she raised a glass of water over her head, everyone expected her to mention the typical “glass half empty or glass half full” metaphor. Instead, with a smile on her face, our professor asked, “How heavy is this glass of water I’m holding?”
Students shouted out answers ranging from a couple of ounces to a couple of pounds.
After a few moments of fielding answers and nodding her head, she replied, “From my perspective, the absolute weight of this glass is irrelevant. It all depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute or two, it’s fairly light. If I hold it for an hour straight, its weight might make my arm ache. If I hold it for a day straight, my arm will likely cramp up and feel completely numb and paralyzed, forcing me to drop the glass to the floor. In each case, the absolute weight of the glass doesn’t change, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it feels to me.”
As most of us students nodded our heads in agreement, she continued. “Your worries, frustrations, disappointments, and stressful thoughts are very much like this glass of water. Think about them for a little while and nothing drastic happens. Think about them a bit longer and you begin to feel noticeable pain. Think about them all day long, and you will feel completely numb and paralyzed, incapable of doing anything else until you drop them.”
Think about how this relates to your life and your recent endeavors over the past year or so.
If you’ve been struggling to cope with the weight of what’s on your mind, it’s a strong sign it’s time to let go and put the figurative glass down.
2. We try to control everything.
We must remind ourselves that we can’t calm life’s storms. What we can do is calm ourselves, and the storms will eventually pass. The most powerful and practical changes happen when we decide to take control of what we do have power over, instead of craving control over what we don’t.
So be honest with yourself: How often did you aim for full control this past year?
It’s OK. But it’s time for a release…
As you read these words, you are breathing. Stop for a moment and notice this breath. You can control this breath, and make it faster or slower, or make it behave as you like. Or you can simply let yourself inhale and exhale naturally. There is peace in just letting your lungs breathe, without having to control the situation or do anything about it. Now imagine letting other parts of your body breathe, like your tense shoulders. Just let them be, without having to tense them or control them.
Now look around the room you’re in and notice the objects around you. Pick one, and let it breathe. There are likely people in the room with you too, or in the same house or building, or in nearby houses or buildings. Visualize them in your mind, and let them breathe.
When you let everything and everyone breathe, you just let them be, exactly as they are. You don’t need to control them, worry about them, or change them. You just let them breathe, in peace, and you accept them as they are… so you can find inner calmness, and be on your way. This is the foundation of what letting go is all about. It can be a life-changing practice.
3. We tell ourselves lots of stories.
Many of the biggest misunderstandings in life could be avoided if we simply took the time to ask, “What else could this mean?” A wonderful way to do this is by using a reframing tool we initially picked up from research professor Brene Brown, which we then tailored through our coaching work with students and live event attendees. We call the tool The story I’m telling myself. Although asking the question itself—“What else could this mean?”—can help reframe our thoughts and broaden our perspectives, using the simple phrase The story I’m telling myself as a prefix to troubling thoughts has undoubtedly created many “aha moments” for our students and clients in recent times.
Here’s how it works: The story I’m telling myself can be applied to any difficult life situation or circumstance in which a troubling thought is getting the best of you. For example, perhaps someone you love (husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, etc.) didn’t call you or text you when they said they would, and now an hour has passed and you’re feeling upset because you’re obviously not a high enough priority to them. When you catch yourself feeling this way, use the phrase: The story I’m telling myself is that they didn’t call me because I’m not a high enough priority to them.
Then ask yourself these questions:
- Can I be absolutely certain this story is true?
- How do I feel and behave when I tell myself this story?
- What’s one other possibility that might also be true?
Challenge yourself to think better on a daily basis — to challenge the stories you subconsciously tell yourself and do a reality check with a more objective mindset.
4. We say yes way too often.
We all have ongoing opportunities and obligations, but a healthy and productive routine can only be found in the long run by properly managing your yeses. And yes, sometimes you have to say “no” to really good opportunities and obligations. You can’t always be agreeable — that’s how people take advantage of you. And that’s how you end up taking advantage of yourself too. You have to set clear boundaries!
You might have to say no to certain favors, work projects, community associations, volunteer groups… coaching your kid’s sports teams, or some other seemingly worthwhile activity. I know what you’re thinking: it seems unfair to say no when these are very worthwhile things to do — it pains you to say no! But you must, because the alternative is that you’re going to do a half-baked, poor job at each one, be stressed out, feel like you’re stuck in an endless cycle of busyness, and eventually you’ll reach a breaking point.
Truth be told, the main thing that keeps so many of us stuck in a debilitating cycle of overwhelm is the fantasy in our minds that we can be everything to everyone, everywhere at once, and a hero on all fronts. But again, that’s not reality. The reality is you’re not Superman or Wonder Woman — you’re human and you have limits. So you have to let go of that idea of doing everything, pleasing everyone, and being everywhere.
In the end, you’re either going to do a few things well, or everything poorly. That’s the truth.
Now it’s your turn…
Yes, it’s your turn to not fall back into your old habits and patterns of living simply because they’re more comfortable and easier to access. It’s your turn to remember that you’re changing certain habits and patterns for a reason: to improve your life and make the very best of what’s ahead — because you can’t move forward if you keep falling back.
But before you go, please leave Angel and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us. 
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