Most of us carry a message we wish we could take back. You type quickly, press send, and the moment it leaves your phone, you know it came out wrong. It might have been an email to a colleague, or a reply in a WhatsApp group with forty people watching.
I have been there more than once. Over the years, I have learned that the way a message is sent matters as much as what it says, and that the same words can land very differently on different people.
My work involves colleagues in operations, regulators, and partners in other countries. A sentence like “These numbers do not match” can mean very different things depending on who hears it and when. To one person, it is a routine request to recheck a figure. To another it sounds like an accusation.
There have been days when a message came in, and I replied straight away. My reply was fast, complete and honest. It was also unhelpful. The point I made was correct, but the people reading it were reacting to my tone, not my content. Nobody acted on it.
That taught me something simple: at work, people respond to how we deliver a message before they respond to what it says.
Part of the reason is that each of us has a default communication style. Some people are direct and say it in one line. Others are warm and soften everything before they get to the point. Some go quiet under pressure, while others get louder. Some write long emails with every detail, and others reply with a single word.
None of these is wrong. Trouble starts when two styles meet, and each person assumes the other works the same way. The direct colleague sounds harsh to the one who softens. The one who softens sounds vague to the direct colleague. The quiet one is read as uninterested, when they are only thinking. Many workplace conflicts that look like personality problems are really style mismatches.
If that is true, the useful question is not “Whose style is right?” but “What can I do so my message is understood?” A few habits have helped me.
The first is to know your default under pressure. When you are stressed or rushed, do you get faster, shorter, louder, or silent? You cannot adjust something you have not noticed.
Once you can spot your default, give yourself a gap before you reply. Sometimes the gap is one breath. Sometimes it is until after the meeting, or the next morning. Waiting does not make a point less true. If you have written a difficult reply, leave it, then read it again as the person receiving it before you send.
The gap also gives you time to choose the channel on purpose. A hard message in writing can read colder than you meant, because there is no tone of voice or facial expression to soften it. If something is sensitive, call or speak in person, and use email afterwards to confirm what was agreed. Correct people privately rather than in a group chat.
Then think about whom you are speaking to. The facts stay the same, but how you carry them changes. A manager may want the bottom line first. A colleague may need background before they can act. A regulator needs precision and a clear record. Ask yourself what this person needs to hear in order to do something with it.
Finally, ask people how they prefer to receive information. It sounds almost too simple, but a short conversation such as “Do you prefer a quick call or a written summary?” can remove months of friction in a team.
None of this means watering down what you have to say. Adjusting how you deliver a message is not the same as hiding it, and a message that is delivered well is far more likely to be acted on.
I do not always get this right. Some days I pause before I reply. Other days I answer first and regret it later. But the pause is worth practicing, and it is available to anyone, whatever their style.
So think of the last message you wished you could take back. Which part would you change: the timing, the channel, or the way it was said to that person?
And the next time you are about to press send, take one breath first.
Compiled By: Nampeela Saidah Sanyu
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