Last year, I watched my middle child struggle through something I couldn’t fix with a band-aid or a hug. The anxiety and depression they faced taught me something profound: sometimes the battles people fight are completely invisible, even to those who love them most.
Robin Williams, who gave the world so much laughter while carrying his own heavy burden, understood this deeply. His words remind us that behind every smile, every “I’m fine,” and every normal day at the office, someone might be drowning in struggles we can’t see.
After decades of life experience, including supporting my wife through breast cancer and finding my own way through the darkness of post-retirement depression, I’ve learned to spot the subtle signs that someone needs support. More importantly, I’ve learned how to actually be there for them in ways that matter.
1. They’ve become the master of “I’m fine”
You ask how they’re doing, and it’s always the same response: “Fine.” “Good.” “Can’t complain.” But there’s something hollow about it, like they’re reading from a script they’ve memorized.
I remember doing this exact thing during my first months of retirement. Friends would ask how I was enjoying all that free time, and I’d smile and say “It’s great!” Meanwhile, I was losing my sense of purpose and identity faster than you can say “gold watch.”
When someone consistently gives you surface-level responses, especially someone who used to open up more, they might be protecting themselves from having to explain what feels unexplainable. The way to show up? Don’t accept “fine” as an answer. Follow up with specific questions: “What’s been the best part of your week?” or “What’s been challenging lately?” Give them permission to be real.
2. Their energy feels different
Have you noticed someone who used to light up the room now seems to be running on empty? Maybe they still show up, still participate, but something’s missing. It’s like watching a phone slowly drain its battery throughout the day.
Energy changes are often the first sign something’s off. They might seem exhausted despite sleeping enough, or maybe they’re suddenly hyperactive in a way that feels forced. Pay attention to these shifts.
The best way to help? Don’t point it out directly. Instead, create low-pressure opportunities to connect. Invite them for a walk, share a coffee, or just sit together without the need to fill every silence.
3. They’re suddenly unavailable or always busy
When my wife was going through chemo, I noticed certain friends started declining every invitation. At first, I thought they were uncomfortable with her illness. Later, I learned one was dealing with their own health scare and couldn’t face ours.
Withdrawal is a classic sign of silent struggle. When someone who used to be social suddenly has a packed schedule that never includes you, or when they’re perpetually “too busy” for things they used to love, something’s up.
How do you show up for someone who’s pulling away? Keep reaching out, but without pressure. Send texts that don’t require responses: “Thinking of you today” or “This made me laugh and reminded me of you.” Let them know the door is open without forcing them to walk through it.
4. Small tasks become mountains
Ever notice someone suddenly overwhelmed by things that used to be routine? Maybe they’re constantly forgetting appointments, struggling with simple decisions, or seeming paralyzed by their to-do list.
During the worst of my depression, choosing what to eat for breakfast felt like solving a complex equation. Everything required more mental energy than I had to give.
If you spot this in someone, offer specific, practical help. Don’t say “Let me know if you need anything.” Instead, try “I’m going to the grocery store, what can I pick up for you?” or “I have Tuesday afternoon free, can I help you tackle that project?”
5. Their sleep patterns are all over the place
They’re either sleeping constantly or barely at all. They mention being up at 3 AM again, or they’re napping every chance they get. Sleep disturbances are like the check engine light of mental health.
When someone mentions sleep troubles, resist the urge to offer quick fixes like “Just try melatonin!” Instead, acknowledge how exhausting that must be and ask if they want to talk about what’s keeping them up. Sometimes the insomnia isn’t the problem; it’s the symptom.
6. They’ve lost interest in things they loved
Remember when they couldn’t stop talking about their garden, their book club, their weekend hikes? Now those topics get a shrug and a “Haven’t had time lately.”
When passion disappears, it’s often because someone’s using all their energy just to survive the day. There’s nothing left for the things that used to bring joy.
Show up by meeting them where they are, not where they used to be. If they can’t manage their usual 5-mile hike, suggest a walk around the block. If book club feels overwhelming, offer to watch a movie together. Lower the bar for connection.
7. Their humor has taken a dark turn
Making jokes about wanting to disappear, calling themselves worthless, or constantly using self-deprecating humor that feels more sad than funny? These aren’t just jokes. They’re often test balloons, seeing if anyone will take their pain seriously.
When someone makes these comments, don’t laugh them off. You don’t need to make it heavy, but acknowledge what they’re saying: “That sounds really tough. Want to talk about it?” Show them their words matter.
8. Physical symptoms without clear causes
Headaches, stomach issues, mysterious aches and pains. Sometimes our bodies carry what our minds can’t process. I watched this happen with colleagues over the years who developed chronic pain during particularly stressful periods.
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